Posted on November 19, 2018
The questions spiral most days. They can transpire into good or bad but, most days I spin my wheels trying to decide. I have always been a creature of solution seeking. Trying to figure out the best way to solve the troublesome issue that either repeats itself or is simply a one-time occurrence.
When my hair is flat I use hairspray and tease it like I am a sexy lifeguard off Baywatch in the 80’s. If the batteries run out of juice I simply grab another toy and use those batteries. Simple problem solving yet, people fret about these things instead of just fix the issue without bitching. We all know in this day in age tho you can not have a day without a complaint of some sort. Why do you ask? I have no damn clue. Let alone I really don’t get why you wouldn’t want to just have a day without something shading your sunshine. Right?! Nope. But, you’d think so!
I wonder day in and day out tho when I make choices if I am making the right ones. Or if there really is a right one.
Raising another human is seriously a lot of responsibility and pressure. Not always in a heavy way but, let us be real. We are shaping the life of a person that will eventually have a voice in this world. I don’t want to raise a dick. Right? Ha! ( Light hearted joke)
I mean when Gracie is sick or gets a rash is it just something we let work itself out and it will go away? Or do we call the doctor and do what every single mom does in this day in age. Worry that what Google is telling them might be that their child will die over some red splotches. You get what I am saying yeah?
Truly every single day I am fretting over whether or not I am making the right choice. But, besides the basics of right and wrong in the world. Who is the hell made the “Right” list? Like, as in how things are supposed to be done. Why do I and possibly you feel like we have to doubt if we are making the right choice to stay home or go back to work? Perhaps it is as simple as putting your kid in speech therapy at two or at three. Do we disservice them by doing it our way or listening to the doctors? Is it really going to matter if they eat that handful of dirt? Will the finger in the socket really kill them or teach them a lesson to stop pulling the protectors off? (I’m kidding) Can you feed them a piece of popcorn at two or are they really going to choke and die?
I mean you guys, the list goes on and on with what choices we make day in and day out. Are we overprotecting or are we simply encouraging to make smart choices and be aware of things? Should I be so worried about teaching my daughter all the bad that is happening to women in our day today? Can I just not tell her the bad and horrible things to protect her mindset or am I honest so that she is informed?
In reality, we are all fighting to make the choices we think are going to be the best ones for our kids. Heck even making choices for ourselves every single day can be stressful. Depending on your job or just the position your in with life currently. Choices have so much impact on the conclusion for ourselves and others. I find that being aware that choices are powerful really help me at least alleviate that scared feeling of making the wrong choice.
In the end my friends, we are not in control of the end result. In my paradigm, God has reins on that one. No matter the shift in direction by choice. If something is meant to happen or be, God will bring you back too it. Even if the battle isn’t always pretty, in fact, it could be a bloody mess.
Is the fight worth it to you?
Posted on October 28, 2018
I am 32 years old. I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. I am sure there are other titles I could type in but, that really won’t matter. I am someone that struggles from Anxiety. I am on some days debilitated to leave my house. Some days I question when I leave my house will I come back or get hit by a car. I worry about a tree falling on my house, someone breaking in, getting raped, my daughter being taken, losing someone and even as far as getting anxiety when I gas up my vehicle. I lock all my doors while I pump because I fear someone going on the other side and trying to kidnap Gracie. These aren’t questions either, these are actual feelings I have. These are real things I imagine happening to me or my loved ones.
Anxiety uncovered itself when Gracie was 8 Months old. The Monster came out and has only intensified its presence over this last year and a half. Which let me be really honest with you. This last year of my life has been REALLY HARD. Not your everyday average stuff either. Just for instance we have HAD to move 3 times in less than 18 months. That is just ONE stressor. Thank god that is over!
I know they say, “You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time.” Then, how am I?
I feel grateful. I feel like in between the chaos in my mind and the journeys it takes me on, I am grateful. I see things thru the clouds and I have good vision but, there are still clouds. I can’t see clear enough to actually convince myself that the person walking behind me at the store isn’t following me to capture or steal my kid. But simply to find the salsa down aisle 5…
You guys, Anxiety is my biggest weakness. I hate admitting weakness. If I don’t start owning it properly and communicating how I am feeling or what I think about. I fear that I will never get past it, get better or simply fully feel happy. Which I want SO bad. Which is also why I REFUSE to give up. Also, why I am writing this now.
With all the anxiousness inside of me, I feel like I could basically scream and never run out of breath.
I know a lot of people would simply tell me to go to therapy or talk to someone you trust. I tried that. Well, not the therapy part, which to be honest I am taking into consideration. Mostly based on a couple things. One being that having someone to listen to me that does not know me. Someone that will not have opinions but, will come with solutions. Second, I think therapy would be good for me because honestly, I might have people around that will sit and hear me. But, without eye contact, without proper engagement, you cant actually LISTEN. I need someone to not just hear me talking but to LISTEN to what I am saying and how I am feeling. To HELP me find solutions in managing or working thru the anxiety I struggle with. The fears I have when I try to simply just live my life like everyone else.
It doesn’t work that easily. Anxiety is not something you explain. Anxiety is NOT something that just anyone can understand or help with either. Sometimes getting help from people can end up being worse only because they aren’t the right people for that issue. Example being you don’t go to a hair salon to get your oil changed in your car. Make sense?
I guess being someone that quietly struggles severely alone with this monster inside of myself, I wonder who else? I wonder if anyone else is seeking at the same moment what I am seeking. Then it dawns on me! Of course! Of course, there are other people in the world that are feeling and thinking the same things. Because Anxiety doesn’t come in shapes and colors. It is simply one thing, Fear. At least in my paradigm.
I don’t know if my theory is on point or even real. But I know that when I replaced the word ANXIETY with the word FEAR. It really altered my thought process. It rattled the way I was thinking, the way I was allowing something like FEAR to create so much negative in my life.
Now please do not think I have mastered this or that I have achieved some great success with overcoming my anxiety. That is not the case at all. I struggle every day, it just happens to be a different sometimes.
Now my hopes are to train my thought process. In theory, to basically train my brain to BELIEVE that when ANXIETY kicks in, the thing I feel so helpless to correcting. If I change that word, that perspective, to the thing we call FEAR. Well, for some reason that allows me to feel more empowered. Like, I can totally squash that fear! I can completely control that fear aspect.
I have ZERO clue. But, It helps and I hope over time it can be the thing that helps alter my anxiety into fear. Too then turn the fear into a flourishing moment of perspective that, I CAN WIN. So can you.
If you are someone that struggles from Anxiety and you feel like you have no one to talk too. No one that will actually LISTEN to you. Please know I am only an email away and I can assure you. I am here for you. You do not HAVE to be alone. We just have to be sure we seek the right tribe to hear and help us out. ❤
“If today is tough, don’t allow it to dampen your day. Allow yourself to take that tough day and make YOU tougher.” Because YOU matter. ❤
X O X O
BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH
journey to the little things