Posted on January 10, 2019
Although defeat stood taller today,
The fight in me goes on.
I know what I am worth and I know that I am strong.
Anxiety can make things scary.
But one thing I know for sure, is that my will to win.
That is one thing that keeps me from giving in.
The dreams I see and the vision I have, is bigger than me.
Anxiety will never be allowed to defeat who I am.
Because, God created me for greatness and its my job to prove I can.
“Be brave in the face of fear” This is something I almost feel like I want tattooed on my body.
This little poem was inspired by my anxiety winning and keeping me from something I had been so excited for.
Almost four weeks ago, I purchased a Rachel Hollis “Made for more” move ticket. I have been raving about this for weeks and ridiculously excited to get pumped up and inspired with wisdom and nuggets of goodness.
If you do not know, one of the triggers I have is, walking in the dark alone. Going to a movie entailed me to have to potentially walk a good distance before I get inside. Which was also a parking garage and a location I rarely go.
Now, I know you are probably wondering why I sit and talk about conquering anxiety and being encouraging about it all.
But, I also know that being real is a characteristic I have shared about myself.
Well, this is some of that honesty. You cant always win. We just aren’t built for that.
Failure is apart of success. That is fact.
Which is why I chalked this up as a lesson and I told myself that, “this is apart of my learning curve.”
Acceptance is so vital when we fail or we end up just beating ourselves up. That shit just does not feel good.
So, my point was that I did not attend the show and I am sad about it. I am sitting with the sadness and accepting it so I can move on.
I know that I was doing what was best for my health and just overall, myself. Which needs to be practiced more. I think we all should practice self-awareness and self-love more often.
Anxiety got me last night and for some reason I feel okay with a little regret but also, happy with the gut choice I made.
Yeah, it just felt right.
Sometimes we just have to follow our gut even if it goes against everything we are wanting to do.
If anxiety or your defeat has got you down, remember that its okay to have bad days. Its okay to get defeated by the shit. Accept it and move on. Do not stay in your defeat. Which is why acceptance, I feel like goes hand in hand with defeat.
We will always face defeat and that is not in our control. But what we can do is, focus on accepting what is and learning what we can from it. This is where the journey to success comes and flows.
Thanks for reading ❤
Posted on April 11, 2018
Hey Everyone, you may have already read some of my posts and things I have shared about my personal life. However you also might be here for the first time, have no idea who I am, where I come from or why you are even really reading this now. Well honestly this post is going to be from my heart, my mind and collectively will be some hard truths shared. Some of the stuff scares the hell out of me to share because I might really hurt someone’s feelings or make them hate me.
But I cant keep living my life in fear of how someone else might react or respond to my personal feelings. I have the right to share how I feel or what I think. But picking and choosing what is spoken is also the tough part. Someone once told me to just, “Bite my tongue.” I got the drift of it for the most part but, I also feel like sometimes I am walking around with a mouthful of blood from biting down so long.
Which is why I am here, right now writing this piece as I am scared to be this transparent about just who I am and things I have been thru or seen. This post is going to be rather long so get comfortable, grab a beverage and cozy up.
I just want to say in advance because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be me. What I write here today is not meant to hurt anyone, point out fault, make anyone feel low, bad or less. Nothing about this post is about anyone other than myself and sharing my thoughts and feelings with, you.
Not raised in your All American family home, but a mother that always showed massive amounts of hugs, kisses and Good night wishes. She was a hard-working woman who came from a fairly tough bring up. Airforce brat child is what they call them I guess. She moved around a lot, her dad was KIA in the Military and her Mom was remarried to another man. My grandma and grandpa are no longer with us.
Grandma was Full blooded Japanese and struggled with things like reading English and Writing. My Step Grandpa was the White American Military man that went overseas and married the foreign mom with 3 kids. He had 2 children himself. My mom had to grow up with alcohol abuse in the home and a lot of unhealthy fights and aggression. Creating my mom to leave the home at a young age and got married. She then had my sister at age 20, later getting a divorce from him she met my Dad. At 25, I came into this world joining my sister.
Now, my Dad was the “Free Spirit” type. Which is a lot of where I get it from and I love that about myself. It has allowed me to discover more than I would of about myself that if I did not have that free spirit attitude.
However, my dad also came with addiction problems and issues which caused him not be around, later resulting in separation with my Mom. Him being gone so much really didn’t seem like much changed when they actually separated. I was also only 7 years old when they actually separated. I remember the age mostly because a lot of shit happened in my life starting when I was 6. Its also when I actually started being able to remember stuff. He was sick, an addict and those two things stole my dad and my childhood with him, away. I didn’t get the hero dad around the house wearing the cape and chasing me around. I didn’t get the protection, daddy promises or good night kisses. Because he was gone or out doing whatever he was doing. I forgive him.
If you’re asking why, its because MY dad would never have done the things he did if he wasn’t sick. We need to learn to forgive more and become more understanding. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. I am guessing you can hint why that is. Listen more, talk less. Sometimes we need to listen to someone’s story and understand their purpose in order to move forward with forgiveness. So I choose to listen more and do as God intended me to do.
Am I mad today? No. Was I hurt? Yes. For a long time, I held something inside I didn’t understand so I didn’t approach it. As I got older I began to understand more and started to work on myself. I moved on and worked through what I know I needed to for myself and to ever be able to have a healthy relationship after being exposed to so many unhealthy ones. If it did anything to me having a dad like that, it was that it made me not trust men. I was fearful they would be like my dad or I would just assume and it caused fights. I’m not perfect, but I recognized it and I knew it was not healthy. So I changed. It also made me sad that I didn’t have that bond. The father and daughter type that you see so many little girls have. I admired it every time I would see a dad holding his little girl’s hand because there is something so special about that relationship.
I’m good tho, and I am able to say I worked thru those demons and successfully WON!
So today the relationship that Gracie and her daddy have is one of the most important things to me. I cherish watching it grow and flourish into this beautiful bond. It’s amazing you guys. I am sure you do the same thing with your love and your littles. It’s such a beautiful thing to watch blossom and seeing his eyes light up when he sees his little girl is just, priceless. Imprinted forever.
Sharing some little details here and there about my parents and tidbits about my feelings on different topics that fell in the sentences. I sit here right now not even shitting you, I am totally just going with the flow of this as I write and so if it seems like I might jump around a little, I do apologize. I’m doing my best to organize all this. But I wanted it to be natural and from my heart, so I am typing and being real.
I am gonna share with you just a couple stories from my past as a child, and then as a teenager, moving into young adulthood and into my life today.
So, here comes some short stories and complete transparency on my end. These are NOT things I air or share, day in and day out. So this is hard for me but, what if get it off my chest and feel like 1000x’s better!? I mean, not that I am feeling like shit but, the feeling of just total transparency is almost healthy. I know that when I get anything off my chest I feel better.
So I figured I would share some stuff here and maybe, just maybe it would make me feel better, allow you to get to know me and more about where I come from and perhaps it will be just another door for me to feel more confident in sharing with you.
Because in the end is that not why I write. I mean this is my space to be me, my area to freely speak and openly share who I am or how I feel about shit. So this is another one of my attempts at that.
Age 2 living Spokane, my mom is away at work and its daytime. My older sister is with me and my dad is watching us as my sister is only 7. My dad was passed out on the bed, recovering from a prior night. Our babysitter came over and took us to go roller skating, we made sure of course to let my dad know. Well hours later he woke up and we were not there. He panicked and called my mom who then called the police.
He was not coherent enough to remember someone telling him about us leaving. The Police department, fire trucks, helicopters and the news crew was all over looking for us. Can you believe that?! Crazy shit. We were on the news as if we were abducted, while we are just enjoying pizza, licorice rope and some roller skating at the rink.
3 hours or so later we come home and its just total chaos! I actually only vaguely can remember some glimpses of things because I was so little. The story was told to me and I was laughing yet at the same time my mouth was wide open in shock. Just is not a story you hear every day.
Age 6 my mom is looking for her car and my best friend is in the back seat with me, while her mom is driving and my mom is up front. I actually remember parts of this story which is why I can share it. Only parts and pieces, but its just a totally crazy ass story for a 6-year-old to witness.
Downtown Spokane and we are driving around looking for my mom’s vehicle. We pull up to this strange looking white house and two black men come out with weapons threatening my mom. She was yelling, fearless as always. A lioness.
While I am in the back seat witnessing this all godown and crying, scared that my mom was going to get hurt. I remember my friend’s mom, Cathy looking back and telling me, “Its okay honey, your mama is tough!”
Well, I didn’t know what was really going on at the moment other than people were shouting and there were guns. Eventually, my mom got her car and w drove away as if it was another day. I don’t know what happened from that or what came of it other than my mom had her car back.
Age 14 my mom is in a relationship she has had for about 6 years now. He is an Alcoholic and worked for the Railroad. I went out one night for a birthday party at a hotel for a swim thing. The birthday boy was one of my very close friends over the last 5 years and I went to innocently celebrate AS A KID.
I came home around 10 pm because my mom gave permission for that time. my friends Mom had me home on time as always, because she is amazing.
The moment I walked in the door it was full of chaos. My mom’s boyfriend was wasted and calling me a “whore” a “slut.” Basically shaming me as if I just had a train ran on me. I was a virgin and 14 years old. I proceeded to cry but defend myself as well as my mom defended me.
It ended with me packing a bag and going to my sisters for a few days. It was an ugly chapter in life. But we moved through that thankfully.
Age 14 witnessed my first dead body. I was walking with my stepsister at the time to a local gas station. We were going for some snacks of course and the regular soda run as a teenager. We walked past the fence line noticing something sitting against the shed that was at the house next to the store.
We instantly looked closer thru the fence, and there it was. The discolored looking body. Was a memory I will never forget and something I feel like sticks with you in a dark sorta way.
21 years old and I took myself to a place called Apple Blossom. It is a car event or something along those lines. I just knew it gave one hell of a party and I was looking for fun. There I went and mingled at the local party scene, meeting some random new friends and taking myself back to their house.
Yeah, I lived like this for years. I have no idea how I survived when I look back now.
So I am here at this person house and it’s HUGE! Like mansion huge. The girls were all rad and the guys I had met there were pretty chill. Took some Ex and had a party in the pool, with my clothes on. I just thought to jump in was a good idea and I wasn’t doing it naked. No matter how high I was at the time.
So after a good 4 hours or so of in and out of the pool and having fun I go inside to get some clothes that one of the girls had offered me. We walked in on a guy raping a girl on the floor in one of the rooms. Not even shitting you.
The chick ran outside to get the other guys as I proceeded to get the pool stick. Yeah, because I was not fucking around no matter how messed up I was. I took that stick and hit him so hard across his back, he fell and as that happened the guys rushed in. I ran to the girl, wrapped her in a blanket that she was laying near. The other chick came with me and took the victim to the bathroom. We closed the door and helped calm her and comfort her. The guys took care of that man, called the cops and the cops handled it from there.
I hope she is okay today after such a horrible event.
32 years old today and I am walking slowly into 33 as my birthday creeps around the corner in November.
Recently some events have happened and things have been shared with me that have shaken me to the core. There are only some things that I can morally share here today in this story but, I will share.
Nothing about my life is glamorous. My life is special because of the people in it.
See about a year ago I was told some pretty heavy stuff and it was news I really still do not know how to deal with or move on with a sense of healing.
Last year I was told that someone I love and is Very dear to my heart, was assaulted numerous times thru her life as a child. I did not know how to wrap my head around this or what to even say. What do you say? I felt so much anger and sadness at the same time. I just wanted to hug her and make her feel safe.
She asked to not speak about it and to respect her wishes. I did out of love. I kept my mouth filtered for a year up until the day I was put in the position to share it. I chose to share it willingly and I took responsibility for that. But the person it was shared with was family. It was important it was shared, I would not have done it if it was not.
So that was some of the heaviness I have endured emotionally and mentally knowing that happened.There is always more to the story, however, that is morally not okay for me to air here today.
A second heavy is the loss of the guy I mentioned who’s birthday party I celebrated at that hotel swim thing. His name was Scott, he is probably one of the only names I will actually mention and that is because he passed away.
March 6th, 2018 I received the phone call from my other childhood brother bestie. He proceeded to tell me the tidbits of what he knew and we spoke for about an hour.
6 months prior to this event I got a message from Scott, reaching out just trying to chat. He did that from time to time. See Scott was sick with a few different illnesses. My Scotty was a war hero who suffered from severe PTSD as well as acquiring an addiction to alcohol over his time span of battling his PTSD.
Scott was sick and we knew that he had ups and downs and would continuously just disappear and hurt my feelings. Not intentionally, of course, he loved me like his own sister. He was just consumed with his illness.
So over that 6 months time span he reached out 4 times. I had to turn Scott away every time because I knew what would come of it. Now that I had Gracie and we were an established family I had to protect that. My nest was the safe place for our daughter and I couldn’t compromise that with his actions. Even tho my love for him was endless, the choice was one of the hardest I have faced yet. Choosing my family is easy, but dismissing was not.
I knew that If I picked up that phone I would fall for it because its what I did. I wanted to continuously save and help him. Well, that energy needed to go to my husband and my little girl.
So I made that choice and It is hard to live with every single day. The swipe of the delete on my phone replays and its a daily task to work thru it. But I am confident in my will and I know I can win this battle and come to peace with this.
Well now that I have shared some of my stories with you and where I have been and some things I have seen or been through. I told you in the beginning maybe I would feel better.
I guess I won’t know until its out there and shared with all of you. I’m sure in more time I will share more of my story and things I have been thru.
I hope you come and read more and get to know me and where I come from. Please share your thoughts or maybe even a personal story. You never know what it can do to share it until you do.
PS.. I probably could have shared a lot more. However I am going to save that for another post. Thanks for reading.
BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH
journey to the little things