Posted on October 27, 2018
Start and Stop. Start and Stop. Start and Stop. On repeat my whole life.
You see I have this thing inside of me. No, not literally like some sort of Alien movie from the 80’s. But, I mean spiritually. I mean the type of thing that burns inside of your being and won’t go away no matter how hard you try.
Well, I tried being an employee my whole life. I suck at it. I mean in a sense I would do my job and care just enough to make me humane. But, I HATED it so much, that I would quit at any given time and start again somewhere else. It was AWFUL. The worst habit and seriously irresponsible. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually take orders from some stranger, some regular joe and quite frankly I just couldn’t conform. I am comfortable sharing with you that, I am not wired to do things normally. Trust me when I say, it wasn’t something that added spark to my habits.
I really am not sure where it all started or why the habit was created in the first place. I guess if I made a WILD accusation it would be that I simply was allowed. I was given the FREE WILL to make my own choices at a younger age than I probably should have. However, I am grateful it all is the way it is. Because I like to believe I turned out pretty good. Now I am not perfect. Still at 32 years young I am working on myself and being a better person every day.
Now, just because I can’t seem to narrow down the exacts on why I have continuously allowed myself even as a full grown adult. ( By the way, what really makes us “Grown Adults?”)
Either way, I may have allowed it over and over. Creating a monster in my life. I woke up one morning recently and just said, no. No more! No more will I allow myself to do the things that aren’t going to LAUNCH me into the direction I actually WANT to be.
I mean why in the world do we do this? Why would I do this to myself? Literally being my own roadblock to basically anything successful for myself. Every single time I have EVER started something that I was good at, when I would actually apply myself. We all know there are people in the world that can do things and just naturally do them well. The trick is sticking them out and becoming awesome at them! Which I have failed to do. This is not to be boastful or anything like that. But, I am one of those people. I do things well when I do them and do them right. I do things properly and organized when I apply myself and learn. I can accomplish almost any deadline when I am given one.
So, Why am I not successful in any of the things I started? We obviously know the answer to this. I QUIT. I STOPPED. I SIMPLY GAVE UP. When things got to be too much of an obstacle, to hard juggling mom life and learning life, the excuse that I was tired, the gross things I would come up with and tell myself blow my mind.
Things like, “No one reads it anyways Ashley. Why bother?” Or things like, “Don’t waste your time trying, you give up anyway.”
I mean you guys I have literally trained my own self-conscious thru bad habits that I am not worth finishing what I start. That just because I have started and stopped, it would not matter if I did it again. I mean no one would even care or question me or simply just call me out. Sometimes people just need a rude awakening. But, it’s not right to expect someone else to be that for you. So I thought if I couldn’t find it in myself and I couldn’t expect it then I would just give up. I mean that is really sad. It’s even sadder to type it and admit it. My self-worth has been lost but I haven’t.
I know that I carry value, I know that I can accomplish what I set out to do. I know that it is no one’s responsibility to push me in the direction of my goals and dreams. Only I can do that. Only I have the Launch button. Only I have my brain, my personality, and my feelings and thoughts. There is only one me that can start what I want to start. It is just up to me to not stop.
For some reason, the wake-up call I had recently was this.
It was a normal morning and Gracie and I had already had breakfast and we were ready for our day. No plans and no money. Living on one income isn’t impossible, just trying and sometimes can mundane. So, we pulled out some toys, watercolors and some of the kitchen utensils. Sat at the smaller kitchen table and we played. We painted and we laughed and danced to our absolute favorite Ed Sheeran Song, Sing. For a moment as the song was over and there was a transition in literally seconds to the next song. Gracie glanced at me deeply and I stared back at her and we smiled. That was it. That moment I made a choice. That glance, that dead eye stare of PURE LOVE. I almost was like this brain alteration and I had no control. I just changed.
The power of Love is Immense.
Its SO BIG, It helps Bad Habits Die a little Easier…
Posted on March 28, 2018
There are a lot of types of people in the world. Those people all go through many stages in life. Here are a few of mine…
See I have had all sorts of stages in my life at my young age of 32. From the rebellious teenager to the know it all 20 years old. Then I moved into being able to legally enter a place of the party. If your unsure what I am referring to, its “The Bar”. Yeah, those many stages we go through in life as soon as we hit that lucky number 21.
First I was the girl that was introducing herself to the bar. So I would have some beer and mixed shots. That was the stage one. Pretty mild and subtle. There were nights I would have more mixed shots than beer. Those nights led to… I’m not so sure. But, I woke up alive and in my warm bed. Most mornings anyways. Tip: Steer clear of any and all sugar in the bar. Sugar leads to the massive hangover in the morning. You’re Welcome.
Stage two, I’ve moved on from beer. I have now accompanied my mixed shots, with mixed drinks. Now, for those of you who attend a bar regularly or have been. I’m sure you have heard of a promising beverage called a “Trash-Can.” Yes, you know what I am referring to. If you don’t and you go out one night. Maybe your feeling a tad extra… Go ahead and order yourself ONE trashcan. Tip: Just One. This stage was already leading to some incredibly inappropriate nights and many things I would like to not admit too. However, I will share this one story while I was flirting with this stage in my life. I was 22 and it was closing time at the local bar I attended frequently. I knew everyone, including the workers. ( One of those bartenders is now my husband ) I decided to be helpful and do dishes behind the bar after the bar was closed. I also was HIGHLY intoxicated and I will admit, I like being naked. Ha Ha. I know its really weird, but I have been this way my whole life. So a little liquid courage had me expressing that. Except it really wasn’t the best of places or times to do so. (Sigh) I proceeded to take off my pants and shirt to go and do some pole dancing… (So embarrassing) I still have no explanation for this action. But I ended up doing dishes behind a bar, half naked. Not to mention I ended up working here and marrying the bartender. Who I have been with for 10 years. So if your looking for this sorta courage. Next time order a Trashcan.
Stage Three, trying to wind down. (Giggle) At this point in my stage, I am realizing I need to possibly cut back. So what is a young gal to do when she is trying to make such a choice? Well, she ditches the mixed drinks and moved to Wine and Whiskey. I have absolutely no idea why this remedy felt like progression for me. But it was far from it. In fact, this mix was by far the most damaging for me. Wine is GOOD. Whiskey is even better. But when I put the two together, I was a walking party. Which was something I truly loved. The party was my favorite place to be. Where things were happening and chaos was absorbed so graciously. Weird right? But it was an environment I felt comfortable at the time in my life. Tip: If you are wanting to ACTUALLY grow up, you cant live in this stage…
Now I can keep taking you through my stages. But long story short I basically do not drink now. Pretty sure I haven’t had a glass of wine in 6 months. Not that I look down on anyone that does. I just think I was too hardcore when I did drink. Also being a bartender for 6 of those years had a big playing part in my problem. That now, I just don’t want it. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are gonna be tougher days than I even know. Which might lead me to a nice glass of Wine. However, I steer clear of the whiskey. If you know me, you know that its best I keep my hands off that Crown royal. Lord knows I am too much party, even for myself to handle nowadays. Tip:Whiskey is good and so is wine. But I promise your head will hate you in the morning if you share the two together. My body can hardly handle the cardio I give it…
Of course, always Drink and drive responsibly. (Uber may be in a city near you)
BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH
journey to the little things