Posted on October 28, 2018
I am 32 years old. I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. I am sure there are other titles I could type in but, that really won’t matter. I am someone that struggles from Anxiety. I am on some days debilitated to leave my house. Some days I question when I leave my house will I come back or get hit by a car. I worry about a tree falling on my house, someone breaking in, getting raped, my daughter being taken, losing someone and even as far as getting anxiety when I gas up my vehicle. I lock all my doors while I pump because I fear someone going on the other side and trying to kidnap Gracie. These aren’t questions either, these are actual feelings I have. These are real things I imagine happening to me or my loved ones.
Anxiety uncovered itself when Gracie was 8 Months old. The Monster came out and has only intensified its presence over this last year and a half. Which let me be really honest with you. This last year of my life has been REALLY HARD. Not your everyday average stuff either. Just for instance we have HAD to move 3 times in less than 18 months. That is just ONE stressor. Thank god that is over!
I know they say, “You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time.” Then, how am I?
I feel grateful. I feel like in between the chaos in my mind and the journeys it takes me on, I am grateful. I see things thru the clouds and I have good vision but, there are still clouds. I can’t see clear enough to actually convince myself that the person walking behind me at the store isn’t following me to capture or steal my kid. But simply to find the salsa down aisle 5…
You guys, Anxiety is my biggest weakness. I hate admitting weakness. If I don’t start owning it properly and communicating how I am feeling or what I think about. I fear that I will never get past it, get better or simply fully feel happy. Which I want SO bad. Which is also why I REFUSE to give up. Also, why I am writing this now.
With all the anxiousness inside of me, I feel like I could basically scream and never run out of breath.
I know a lot of people would simply tell me to go to therapy or talk to someone you trust. I tried that. Well, not the therapy part, which to be honest I am taking into consideration. Mostly based on a couple things. One being that having someone to listen to me that does not know me. Someone that will not have opinions but, will come with solutions. Second, I think therapy would be good for me because honestly, I might have people around that will sit and hear me. But, without eye contact, without proper engagement, you cant actually LISTEN. I need someone to not just hear me talking but to LISTEN to what I am saying and how I am feeling. To HELP me find solutions in managing or working thru the anxiety I struggle with. The fears I have when I try to simply just live my life like everyone else.
It doesn’t work that easily. Anxiety is not something you explain. Anxiety is NOT something that just anyone can understand or help with either. Sometimes getting help from people can end up being worse only because they aren’t the right people for that issue. Example being you don’t go to a hair salon to get your oil changed in your car. Make sense?
I guess being someone that quietly struggles severely alone with this monster inside of myself, I wonder who else? I wonder if anyone else is seeking at the same moment what I am seeking. Then it dawns on me! Of course! Of course, there are other people in the world that are feeling and thinking the same things. Because Anxiety doesn’t come in shapes and colors. It is simply one thing, Fear. At least in my paradigm.
I don’t know if my theory is on point or even real. But I know that when I replaced the word ANXIETY with the word FEAR. It really altered my thought process. It rattled the way I was thinking, the way I was allowing something like FEAR to create so much negative in my life.
Now please do not think I have mastered this or that I have achieved some great success with overcoming my anxiety. That is not the case at all. I struggle every day, it just happens to be a different sometimes.
Now my hopes are to train my thought process. In theory, to basically train my brain to BELIEVE that when ANXIETY kicks in, the thing I feel so helpless to correcting. If I change that word, that perspective, to the thing we call FEAR. Well, for some reason that allows me to feel more empowered. Like, I can totally squash that fear! I can completely control that fear aspect.
I have ZERO clue. But, It helps and I hope over time it can be the thing that helps alter my anxiety into fear. Too then turn the fear into a flourishing moment of perspective that, I CAN WIN. So can you.
If you are someone that struggles from Anxiety and you feel like you have no one to talk too. No one that will actually LISTEN to you. Please know I am only an email away and I can assure you. I am here for you. You do not HAVE to be alone. We just have to be sure we seek the right tribe to hear and help us out. ❤
“If today is tough, don’t allow it to dampen your day. Allow yourself to take that tough day and make YOU tougher.” Because YOU matter. ❤
X O X O
Posted on April 3, 2018
Feelings, the thing that I believe that truly has its two sides. Feelings can be good or bad. I feel like in today’s world we seem to involve feelings just a little too much. I mean we are able to have those feelings, yet the feelings alone doesn’t make you entitled to anything. For instance, my feeling towards parenting is different than others, but that does not make the others persons parenting wrong. You see? Yet nowadays the difference in parenting creates too many different feelings from each other and ends up in conflict. Why? Well, mostly because people can not just allow others to have their own feelings without making sure they speak their opinion about them or ridicule them by putting them down or shutting them out. Sometimes by being honest, it creates hate. Which is something my brain can not wrap its own head around and that is mostly because I personally prefer honesty and brashness. I know not all people are built to think like me, which is completely okay. I just will never understand why we can not just allow one another to feel what they want to feel and just let it be.
See, in my life, there have been SO many times I have wanted to be honest and brash. Be, myself. Yet I wasn’t able to. Either due to circumstances or fear. Now please don’t think I have this all down and I have mastered overcoming this feeling I have. Being scared of losing people you love because you just want to be honest, it really sucks. It’s such a conflicting feeling when the only reason you want to be honest is that you care and love them genuinely. (Most times anyway) I rarely speak negative towards people or point out things which I know probably should be pointed out. I stay out of peoples way and I just try to speak when it’s needed. Mostly tho I keep quiet and I just pray that whatever happens to them, is good or that there is some lesson for them to learn. I’m learning to use my voice more openly still.
I just so badly want to be honest and tell my story, my life, the things I have gone thru or experienced. Yet, still sit here scared to do just that. Being so vulnerable as a writer and openly putting myself on the internet. Sharing who I am. I’m scared to upset someone I love. Scared to hurt their feelings. I know there is so much truth that I want to speak, let alone just share who I really am and how I grew up. I know If they love me they will except me, understand me. But, I still feel that deep scary thing inside of me saying, “Don’t do it, they are gonna freak out and never talk to you again.”
I feel so conflicted when I sit here and state that I don’t care what people think. Yet, I am still so scared to lose them. Perhaps thru writing and more courage along my journey, I will find the inner strength to share my story. The dark sides and the sides that shed so much good light in my life that it will forever be imprinted.
I know that in all things there are silver linings. Which is why I hope one day I can muster up the courage and share mine.
BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH
journey to the little things