Strength is not always visible

Monster

Monster, Monster go away.

Monster, Monster please don’t stay.

Find a place far away.

Go so far that your chill no longer exists today. 

Monster, Monster I’m only asking for this;

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To feel sunshine and let it sink in.

To be alone and okay in my own skin.

To not be scared when things get tough.

To remember always that life is simply rough.

To keep in mind that just because, the flare ups come, does not mean I am forever numb.

Monster, Monster you have a name and even though I say it with shame.

Monster, Monster I am stronger than you. But some days your stronger than me too.

Until the day I dismiss you forever, I wont give up. Not today, not ever.

 

Written by: Ashley Roberts 

 

I started Blogging because…

Alright, being a grown woman behind a computer trying to elaborate with words why I choose to sit behind this screen and write my feelings, thoughts and even simple things I just learn. Yeah, this might a little tough but, completely possible. Which I can always work with possible. So my plan is to just start from the beginning and bring you to my present day, let’s do this.

From a young age until I was about 26 my life was carefree in a sense. I literally had no fears and when I say that I really am not exaggerating. It was almost dangerous how fearless I was. Mostly because I literally would do anything. I lived. I was out in the world, mingling and actually building relationships. My planner stayed pretty full and I had a really great social life. Were all my choices perfect? Absolutely not. In fact, most of the things I did were really stupid. But, that is just what we do when we are young, wild and free, yeah?

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Anxiety and worry were two words that literally never occurred in my life then. I would get up early and get home late. My days were always filled and I had things in my life at the time that I thought was the end all be all. When really I was just a girl in her twenties trying to pave my own way. I didn’t have a lot of help with direction or structure to lead me on some sort of career path or even just college. Which honestly I would of never fit in. However, I personally wouldn’t change a thing because I love who I am and also love my paradigm. The way I see things today wouldn’t be possible if I was taught something different. Or at least it would be a lot harder to see my view now if I did.

Basically, every stupid choice or bad turn I took, lead me to be who I am today. Corny I know, but true. I like me.
When I turned 27 I decided I wanted to step away from the nightlife and the crazy nights in general. I really wanted to start experiencing the life of someone who works a day job and sleeps at night. I was a bartender up until I was 27 and so my schedule is what I like to call the “stripper” schedule. Honestly being away from that lifestyle was so absolute for me I refused to stay. Nonetheless, I became a nanny, a complete 360 from what I was doing. Being a private nanny for almost 4 years was so amazing. I learned so much from doing that job and growing incredible amounts of love for two little girls that weren’t even mine. Those girls impacted me in a way they will never know. They were my true push to wanting to try and have my own baby. Stay with me guys, I am getting to why I blog.

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So, being a private nanny for that time frame was a rude awakening that I was aging, time basically was slipping thru my fingers and my hands were covered in oil. I had moments of anxiety and remember sitting with the girls and having a moment of clarity that being able to stay home with my kid(s) was non-negotiable. But how do you do that with the obvious responsibilities of being an adult? I did not have the answers but, sometimes you just have to follow your gut.

I got pregnant at 30 years old and I told my husband before trying that I wanted to stay home with the baby. He agreed and that we would make it work. Raising our baby was a priority to me and us. Now being a working mom is something I seriously idolize. I guess I just haven’t drank the juice yet that gives me the power to walk away from her and leave for the day. (I know that isn’t real) But, I will never say that I will be home forever because obviously, my goal is to turn my writing into a career. Heck, even my podcast would be an awesome full-time job!

Anyways, I am going to speed it up a tad to the time when I became pregnant and thru those nine months, I was feeling so many things. Mostly I was feeling love, fear, anxiousness and of course being uncomfortable. Never did I think I would have such issues that I have today AFTER becoming a mom. Honestly, I don’t know if it would have ever happened to me if this occurrence would not have.

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When Gracie was 8 months old I took her to a local park and we sat there in the open field. I laid out props and a whole setup to do her photo shoot in the sunshine. When all of a sudden I not only realize we are the ONLY two people at the park but then I look around a bit more to notice we are not. There are three men, three. Each one in different angles of Gracie and I and I continued for about 10 minutes watching them watch us. One leaned against a tree, one leaning near a bench but not sitting , the one that was moving around and on a bicycle. The one on the bike was with his dog and he was riding in the grass where we were. Throwing his frisbee towards us and as that begun I started to pack up my things at a pace that was not going to give attention. I did not act scared even tho I knew what was going on. They were slowing moving in and so I grabbed my phone and called my husband. Stayed on the phone while I moved quicker and got Gracie in the stroller. In the car and we left. Ever since then, since that day, I have never been the same.

My antics are different, my thought process, my imagination and the things I pay attention too now would blow your mind if you are not a person that suffers from anxiety. We see everything that a naked eye probably does not pay attention to. This is definitely nothing I am proud of and I wish it would just go away.
So in a nutshell, because that one thing happened to me. I have become more aware and so aware that over the timeframe of eight months old until today being two now. The amount of shit thrown at us in the media and the crap that happens which is being shared with us. I mean you guys, being raped nowadays is being called sexual assault. Can we just be real raw about this absolutely unexplainable and inhumane act? That it is RAPE. Yes if we all want to be PC about it then we can say, sexual assault. But the truth is, that shit is happening every second. If we don’t take it more serious we become average. Don’t fucking be average. But then again don’t become a ball of anxiety as I have. Don’t worry tho, I am working thru this shit. It is just really, really hard.

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Blogging never occurred to be a space for me or even something I thought I could be good at or learn. But, I can. Because I suffer from what I suffer from personally it keeps me in a lot more then I like to admit. I wish I could go out and enjoy nature fully on a hike alone in the woods like I used to. Get some of that mother nature peace that I crave and love so much. The serene early morning quiet all alone. My absolute favorite time was always my quiet time to self reflect.

But you guys, I was literally just at the park 2 hours ago to meet a client and while I was simply waiting for them out in the open my anxiety kicked into high gear. I feared someone would come up from behind me and drag me off into the woods. I literally pictured it in my head. So I leaned up against the rails so that I knew no one could be behind me. Once my clients showed up my anxiety dissipated. When I say it is not controllable I mean it.
Being someone who prefers to be outside but is stuck inside can only do so much to feel like they are apart of the world, apart of what is going on and by golly just feel like they are human.

Blogging allows me to have that connection, it allows me to voice my thoughts and feelings. It allows me to have more control over what my anxiety takes from me. Anxiety steals absolutely everything. It can be paralyzing and indescribable. Which only creates more negative feelings and unless you have some sort of magic inside of you, the fight thru anxiety will not be pretty. But it is possible and like I said, “I can work with possible.”

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By doing so I chose to write, I chose to share and speak my mind. Even when its scary and I am doubting myself. Blogging has allowed me to be me. In a world of people trying to always conform you and alter you in a way that is not genuinely you. I can always be 100% genuine when I write. Because when I write, it is my human fingers on the keyboard. I blog simply because I am meant to and all I have been thru has been God’s master plan to take me where I am going.
Today, I say thank you to my Anxiety because, that little thing with big impact showing its presence much too often and quiet frankly is starting to piss me off enough to kick its ass. Is not going to be a problem forever. Why? Because in the end we just have to dig so deep that we discover a place where anxiety cant live with so much love. I’m going to happy dance to that, only because I am confident in the end I will win.

Someone who suffers from Anxiety

I am 32 years old. I am a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. I am sure there are other titles I could type in but, that really won’t matter. I am someone that struggles from Anxiety. I am on some days debilitated to leave my house. Some days I question when I leave my house will I come back or get hit by a car. I worry about a tree falling on my house, someone breaking in, getting raped, my daughter being taken, losing someone and even as far as getting anxiety when I gas up my vehicle. I lock all my doors while I pump because I fear someone going on the other side and trying to kidnap Gracie. These aren’t questions either, these are actual feelings I have. These are real things I imagine happening to me or my loved ones.

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Anxiety uncovered itself when Gracie was 8 Months old. The Monster came out and has only intensified its presence over this last year and a half. Which let me be really honest with you. This last year of my life has been REALLY HARD. Not your everyday average stuff either. Just for instance we have HAD to move 3 times in less than 18 months. That is just ONE stressor. Thank god that is over!
I know they say, “You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time.” Then, how am I?
I feel grateful. I feel like in between the chaos in my mind and the journeys it takes me on, I am grateful. I see things thru the clouds and I have good vision but, there are still clouds. I can’t see clear enough to actually convince myself that the person walking behind me at the store isn’t following me to capture or steal my kid. But simply to find the salsa down aisle 5…
You guys, Anxiety is my biggest weakness. I hate admitting weakness. If I don’t start owning it properly and communicating how I am feeling or what I think about. I fear that I will never get past it, get better or simply fully feel happy. Which I want SO bad. Which is also why I REFUSE to give up. Also, why I am writing this now.
With all the anxiousness inside of me, I feel like I could basically scream and never run out of breath.
I know a lot of people would simply tell me to go to therapy or talk to someone you trust. I tried that. Well, not the therapy part, which to be honest I am taking into consideration. Mostly based on a couple things. One being that having someone to listen to me that does not know me. Someone that will not have opinions but, will come with solutions. Second, I think therapy would be good for me because honestly, I might have people around that will sit and hear me. But, without eye contact, without proper engagement, you cant actually LISTEN. I need someone to not just hear me talking but to LISTEN to what I am saying and how I am feeling. To HELP me find solutions in managing or working thru the anxiety I struggle with. The fears I have when I try to simply just live my life like everyone else.
It doesn’t work that easily. Anxiety is not something you explain. Anxiety is NOT something that just anyone can understand or help with either. Sometimes getting help from people can end up being worse only because they aren’t the right people for that issue. Example being you don’t go to a hair salon to get your oil changed in your car. Make sense?
I guess being someone that quietly struggles severely alone with this monster inside of myself, I wonder who else? I wonder if anyone else is seeking at the same moment what I am seeking. Then it dawns on me! Of course! Of course, there are other people in the world that are feeling and thinking the same things. Because Anxiety doesn’t come in shapes and colors. It is simply one thing, Fear. At least in my paradigm.
I don’t know if my theory is on point or even real. But I know that when I replaced the word ANXIETY with the word FEAR. It really altered my thought process. It rattled the way I was thinking, the way I was allowing something like FEAR to create so much negative in my life.
Now please do not think I have mastered this or that I have achieved some great success with overcoming my anxiety. That is not the case at all. I struggle every day, it just happens to be a different sometimes.
Now my hopes are to train my thought process. In theory, to basically train my brain to BELIEVE that when ANXIETY kicks in, the thing I feel so helpless to correcting. If I change that word, that perspective, to the thing we call FEAR. Well, for some reason that allows me to feel more empowered. Like, I can totally squash that fear! I can completely control that fear aspect.

Why?

I have ZERO clue. But, It helps and I hope over time it can be the thing that helps alter my anxiety into fear. Too then turn the fear into a flourishing moment of perspective that, I CAN WIN. So can you.
If you are someone that struggles from Anxiety and you feel like you have no one to talk too. No one that will actually LISTEN to you. Please know I am only an email away and I can assure you. I am here for you. You do not HAVE to be alone. We just have to be sure we seek the right tribe to hear and help us out. ❤
“If today is tough, don’t allow it to dampen your day. Allow yourself to take that tough day and make YOU tougher.” Because YOU matter. ❤

X O X O

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