Start and Stop. Start and Stop. Start and Stop. On repeat my whole life.
You see I have this thing inside of me. No, not literally like some sort of Alien movie from the 80’s. But, I mean spiritually. I mean the type of thing that burns inside of your being and won’t go away no matter how hard you try.
Well, I tried being an employee my whole life. I suck at it. I mean in a sense I would do my job and care just enough to make me humane. But, I HATED it so much, that I would quit at any given time and start again somewhere else. It was AWFUL. The worst habit and seriously irresponsible. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually take orders from some stranger, some regular joe and quite frankly I just couldn’t conform. I am comfortable sharing with you that, I am not wired to do things normally. Trust me when I say, it wasn’t something that added spark to my habits.
I really am not sure where it all started or why the habit was created in the first place. I guess if I made a WILD accusation it would be that I simply was allowed. I was given the FREE WILL to make my own choices at a younger age than I probably should have. However, I am grateful it all is the way it is. Because I like to believe I turned out pretty good. Now I am not perfect. Still at 32 years young I am working on myself and being a better person every day.
Now, just because I can’t seem to narrow down the exacts on why I have continuously allowed myself even as a full grown adult. ( By the way, what really makes us “Grown Adults?”)
Either way, I may have allowed it over and over. Creating a monster in my life. I woke up one morning recently and just said, no. No more! No more will I allow myself to do the things that aren’t going to LAUNCH me into the direction I actually WANT to be.
I mean why in the world do we do this? Why would I do this to myself? Literally being my own roadblock to basically anything successful for myself. Every single time I have EVER started something that I was good at, when I would actually apply myself. We all know there are people in the world that can do things and just naturally do them well. The trick is sticking them out and becoming awesome at them! Which I have failed to do. This is not to be boastful or anything like that. But, I am one of those people. I do things well when I do them and do them right. I do things properly and organized when I apply myself and learn. I can accomplish almost any deadline when I am given one.
So, Why am I not successful in any of the things I started? We obviously know the answer to this. I QUIT. I STOPPED. I SIMPLY GAVE UP. When things got to be too much of an obstacle, to hard juggling mom life and learning life, the excuse that I was tired, the gross things I would come up with and tell myself blow my mind.
Things like, “No one reads it anyways Ashley. Why bother?” Or things like, “Don’t waste your time trying, you give up anyway.”
I mean you guys I have literally trained my own self-conscious thru bad habits that I am not worth finishing what I start. That just because I have started and stopped, it would not matter if I did it again. I mean no one would even care or question me or simply just call me out. Sometimes people just need a rude awakening. But, it’s not right to expect someone else to be that for you. So I thought if I couldn’t find it in myself and I couldn’t expect it then I would just give up. I mean that is really sad. It’s even sadder to type it and admit it. My self-worth has been lost but I haven’t.
I know that I carry value, I know that I can accomplish what I set out to do. I know that it is no one’s responsibility to push me in the direction of my goals and dreams. Only I can do that. Only I have the Launch button. Only I have my brain, my personality, and my feelings and thoughts. There is only one me that can start what I want to start. It is just up to me to not stop.
For some reason, the wake-up call I had recently was this.
It was a normal morning and Gracie and I had already had breakfast and we were ready for our day. No plans and no money. Living on one income isn’t impossible, just trying and sometimes can mundane. So, we pulled out some toys, watercolors and some of the kitchen utensils. Sat at the smaller kitchen table and we played. We painted and we laughed and danced to our absolute favorite Ed Sheeran Song, Sing. For a moment as the song was over and there was a transition in literally seconds to the next song. Gracie glanced at me deeply and I stared back at her and we smiled. That was it. That moment I made a choice. That glance, that dead eye stare of PURE LOVE. I almost was like this brain alteration and I had no control. I just changed.
The power of Love is Immense.
Its SO BIG, It helps Bad Habits Die a little Easier…