Well, this is a topic that feels really touchy to me for some reason. Probably mostly because I live the stuff I am about to share with you. See before I had my daughter I knew that things would alter after I would have a child. I was not completely oblivious to the things I would see around me with other moms. I did not pay much attention to that tho, I just continued my pre-baby life.
So being a 20 something, young bartender who was out every night with her “Friends.” We would bar hop, laugh, and create those crazy memories that we would carry with us thru the rest of our lives. Always a total blast.
My ride or die, friends, the ones I knew I could call at any given time and we would always carve that space out for one another. Always.
However that meant for me, my friendships were the most important thing I valued. Not just because I loved them all but, because I was sharing moments and memories with these people that I would never share with anyone else. Creating a bond.
Before having my beautiful Gracie, I would be able to basically do as I wanted at any given time or day. I could drop everything and leave the damn country If I wanted to. It was a beautiful freedom that I embraced as much as I could, while I could.
The truth about friends when you are young and dumb, doing things you should not be building friendships or relationships off of. They are your friends during those amazing times in life will be there, right by your side, ride or die and they will be the most important people in your lives. When you want to go out, they go out. When the group rallies to hit the road for a road trip, you Go! Because in those times, you are given so much more freedom to make those spontaneous choices.
Don’t get me wrong it was amazing and I lived every moment I could in a spontaneous way. I embraced the crazy, I took on the challenges, I basically would travel with my eyes closed because I loved the idea of not knowing what was going to come. I remember flying to another state with a ticket a friend purchased me, and I had never even met them. Picked me up from the airport and the risk was worth taking. I created a massive amount of memories with that human and the friends they brought into my life.
Friendships at that time in my life were dependable. Solely on two things, I believe and they are because that person loved me for who I was and we had created a great friendship. As well as, they were more dependable because, kids were not involved.
See what I mean by that is this, Friendships BEFORE a child musters up into one word for me personally and its “Freedom.”
Before baby allows you more FREEdom for some of these reasons:
1. Freely Sleep in
2. Freely Shower
3. Freely Eat your own food
4. Freely Drink HOT coffee
5. Freely have Sex
6. Freely Travel
7. Freely spend the extra cash
8. Freely move around
9. Freely Party… if you’re into that
10. Freely be FREE
Now above as I mentioned some of the things you can Freely do before Motherhood. Now, not all those things you can do with your friends but you get the drift.
I love being a Mom more than I enjoy literally anything. It was something I wanted my whole life was to be a Mom. But I still have to be honest about the fact that Friends before being a mom was SO different than after. Even when they have kids and you have kids it does not matter. Friendships change because people change.
This has always been something difficult for me to deal with mostly because I have an insecurity with people leaving me. I hate when you pour your heart into someone and let them in your life, emotions and share things on a level you wouldn’t just with anyone. To only be let down due to natural reasons. Change. But I can not help the fact that it hurts my heart.
It’s so strange to me because I am such a creature of change and have always endured that. So for me to have a conflict with the fact that people change, is so strange to me. But sometimes we can not control our feelings and I am also learning to accept that. I am not a controlling person but I do not like being out of control of myself.
See I have come to find that the friends I grew up with as a child, some of that friendship I am lucky to still have today. Even tho we live in distance or don’t talk every day or even every week. If we picked up the phone it would be as if no days have gone unspoken. Ya know? I particularly have 4 of those left and sadly lost 1 of them recently and very suddenly. ( I love you, Scotty )
As we grew up and became parents, all at different ages and times in our lives. Always stayed in contact of course but, nonetheless we grew apart. Not on purpose but due to change.
We would all cross paths here and there thru the years and find each other lifting one another up when needed. I value those 3 more than I think they will ever know. Partially because motherhood can be time-consuming and have a family takes the rest of the free time you do have. So those friendships that I value so much sometimes get put on the back burner and I hate it. But it will never demean the love I have for them. I know when I am 60, we can start again and pick back up creating senior citizen memories. HaHa
Things that happen AFTER Motherhood:
1. No sleep
2. No Extra Time
3. Lack of food
4. Lack of Hydration
5. Lack of hygiene care
6. No EXTRA energy
9. Make time for your Spouse
10. Make time for Relatives
You see what I am getting at?
These things are just some of the things that are a day in and day out that we endure in motherhood. The endless chores and the tasks we need to accomplish. We have personal lives on top of all of this, yet our personal lives end up being placed on the back burner. Just like our friendships…
Now again, this is NOT something I am claiming happens to everyone or all moms. But I can only speak from experience. I do know there are a large number of women who have been beyond blessed with constant people in their lives. I also feel as if I hear from other moms and parents the same issues with friendships that I have endured tho.
Once you become a mom and have children life alters dramatically. Taking care of that little human, protecting them within reason, being sure they are healthy and in good environments.
When I was pregnant I thought, oh my daughter is gonna have so many friends and her besties by her side. All the normal stuff we have hopes and dreams about. The Daydream, picture perfect hopes that I will have mommy friends and good support. What I personally did not put into perspective was, how will those others parent. I mean we collectively as Moms all say we will do one thing when we are pregnant, then one year old and you don’t care anymore how much dirt they eat. Just no rocks. ( giggling )
It breaks my heart that I have had to distance myself over time from people. But it is what is best for Gracie, me and my marriage. Not that particularly the people are toxic, or bad. But the choices they make I can not support or be a part of. I mean I am all for doing what makes you happy. Sometimes it just won’t involves me and I am learning to live with a little sadness due to that. But in time acceptance will come and I will heal.
However, a heavy heart is what I have carried around for a while. Thankfully my Daughter and my Marriage give me the Sunshine I need to keep me out of the dark when my heart gets too heavy from, feelings. I have found I much more of an emotional person since having a baby. I’ve gotten soft darn it…
What I am trying to say is, Parents are all going to be different. We are ALL going to allow some things and others won’t. It does NOT make you better than me or me better than you. It means over the time span of going from FREEDOM to MOTHERHOOD is a massive change. Not everyone is going to manage that type of change the same way. It took me some deep thought to process that. Managing change is handled in the hands of every person so incredibly different. We should as Moms should be more sensitive to that.
So in my perspective, Yes friendships are so much more active before having a child. But it doesn’t mean they are less valued after you stop hanging out or you don’t talk as much. I have come to the realization that I do that. I am the Mom that distances herself from parents I can not find enough common ground with. I am not sure if it is a pro or con yet. If it’s to much work to be friends, we shouldn’t be friends. That is where my brain goes and that just being totally honest. I mean, I am just a person that would prefer things to come more naturally and not so tense to find something to mingle about.
Yet here I find myself trying to make mom friends that I struggle finding enough common ground with.
Its a constant battle with myself due to expectations of wishing that person would be more like this or that so we could be more similar. Ya know? Like I have met moms who are SO awesome! But then you meet their kid and you’re like, nope. I know you know what I am talking about.
I am a work in progress with not expecting from others. Please don’t misunderstand that I am some expectation freak, that is not the case. Just on this particular topic, I have an expectation issue.
I have never thought I did this until I became a Mom. I started placing expectations on other moms wanting them to so badly to be more attentive or give more love. That was not my place and I quickly learned it is not where I belong. I never mean for it to be negative or mean, I only show attention to things because I care genuinely. I truly only have good intentions in my life.
I know that a lot of this was all over the place and I am grateful you stuck it out with me and read this far. Sometimes getting things out and on here is the best therapy I can give myself. I am only Human and I am only one person.
In the end, I am thankful I have realized what I need to change in order to accept that change is not just within me. Its everywhere around me and within others as well. In the chaos of Motherhood and Life, I just think I need to remind myself of those things more often.
Random thought: Perhaps a Motivational quote reminder daily? I’ll be looking more into this.
Reflecting is not a time I get much nowadays, so sometimes it takes me longer to learn or recognize issues than it would have before motherhood.
Every day I chose to try and be better, not bitter and that is enough for me.
I just hope that within the changes that are always so rapidly happening. I can grasp some MOM friends and keep them around for good. No more in and outs. My hopes for what I would love to create here on my blog. Bringing moms together and allowing an open space for all of us to connect. It is something I value in my days as I get older. I know there are so many places online nowadays to find what I hope to build here. Perhaps we can be friends too.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. For my near and dear friends I have now, I love you and I value you. ♥