Feelings, the thing that I believe that truly has its two sides. Feelings can be good or bad. I feel like in today’s world we seem to involve feelings just a little too much. I mean we are able to have those feelings, yet the feelings alone doesn’t make you entitled to anything. For instance, my feeling towards parenting is different than others, but that does not make the others persons parenting wrong. You see? Yet nowadays the difference in parenting creates too many different feelings from each other and ends up in conflict. Why? Well, mostly because people can not just allow others to have their own feelings without making sure they speak their opinion about them or ridicule them by putting them down or shutting them out. Sometimes by being honest, it creates hate. Which is something my brain can not wrap its own head around and that is mostly because I personally prefer honesty and brashness. I know not all people are built to think like me, which is completely okay. I just will never understand why we can not just allow one another to feel what they want to feel and just let it be.
See, in my life, there have been SO many times I have wanted to be honest and brash. Be, myself. Yet I wasn’t able to. Either due to circumstances or fear. Now please don’t think I have this all down and I have mastered overcoming this feeling I have. Being scared of losing people you love because you just want to be honest, it really sucks. It’s such a conflicting feeling when the only reason you want to be honest is that you care and love them genuinely. (Most times anyway) I rarely speak negative towards people or point out things which I know probably should be pointed out. I stay out of peoples way and I just try to speak when it’s needed. Mostly tho I keep quiet and I just pray that whatever happens to them, is good or that there is some lesson for them to learn. I’m learning to use my voice more openly still.
I just so badly want to be honest and tell my story, my life, the things I have gone thru or experienced. Yet, still sit here scared to do just that. Being so vulnerable as a writer and openly putting myself on the internet. Sharing who I am. I’m scared to upset someone I love. Scared to hurt their feelings. I know there is so much truth that I want to speak, let alone just share who I really am and how I grew up. I know If they love me they will except me, understand me. But, I still feel that deep scary thing inside of me saying, “Don’t do it, they are gonna freak out and never talk to you again.”
I feel so conflicted when I sit here and state that I don’t care what people think. Yet, I am still so scared to lose them. Perhaps thru writing and more courage along my journey, I will find the inner strength to share my story. The dark sides and the sides that shed so much good light in my life that it will forever be imprinted.
I know that in all things there are silver linings. Which is why I hope one day I can muster up the courage and share mine.